Love Who You're With or Else it's Meaningless
by SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: After a long day, Tsukuyo takes some time for herself.


**Title**: Love Who You're With or Else it's Meaningless

**Pairing**: GinTsu

**Rating**: NC17

**Disclaimer**: No

**A/N**: A thank you to Nicole, someone I care for very, very much. I can't list all the things I'm thankful for, I just really appreciate and value her to some unfathomable degree. Love you, babe!

**Love Who You're With or Else it's Meaningless**

Tsukuyo had just finished a long day and would gladly still be at it, but had been personally dismissed to take some time for herself. That happened from time to time and she knew it was just Hinowa's way of looking after her, but the honest truth was that Tsukuyo enjoyed being busy. She was good at what she did and she had a lot of confidence in it, it made her feel good to protect those she cared for.

However, since she was given the night off, she decided to spend it doing things she didn't usually take time for. Usually her showers were quick and rushed so she could get back to her duties, but tonight she took a bath instead. She took her time washing her hair and her body and let the steam absorb into her. She took deep breaths, slow and steady, to get herself as relaxed as possible and that was altogether very nice. Over time, her limbs began to feel heavier and it felt good to have her hair down and pooling over her shoulders. She made a point not to think about anything or let any of her worries creep in on her, things were delightfully blank.

By the time she was dressing into a silken kimono she barely utilized, she felt renewed. She let her hair stay down and took time to dry it properly with a towel as opposed to quickly throwing it up into something messy and unkempt. She used an oil on her skin – it was somewhat embarrassing having to blow some dust off the top, that was how long it had been since she'd last used it – to hydrate her pores and make her flesh even softer to the touch. That combined with the friction of the kimono felt good and drew a shudder out of her, it was like the feeling was so foreign that she was learning it again.

All in all, it took her almost two hours from start to finish to return to her room for the night. By then it was going on ten and just from letting herself go for a couple hours, all the activity from the last few weeks finally took their toll. Exhaustion wrapped around her legs and made her feet heavy, she swore that each outing and game with Seita could be heard in the tired _thud_ of her heels on the floor as she walked. Each fight throbbed lightly in the newly formed callouses on her hands and she knew it was unladylike, but she rather enjoyed fatigue that was taking her over. It made her feel alive and it was hard to believe she used to be ashamed of such things.

Her perspective had been changed and she gratefully found only acceptance for things such as scars, callouses, blisters, things she'd thought were unattractive for a feminine form. It had taken a long time for thinking process to be changed and she couldn't have done it on her own...

_ Tsukky_.

It was a nickname she liked and she never thought she'd get used to nicknames. Everyone had taken to it so quickly, it was like she'd been called that her whole life. Right away, she'd answered to it and it warmed her heart to feel so special – special enough to have a nickname. Said by the right person and that nickname became something entirely different, it morphed into something erotic and intangible.

Untying her kimono after lying down on her futon, Tsukuyo sighed as the silk fell apart on either side of her. She slid a hand up her stomach, pushing the kimono farther apart, the cold air making her nipples harden. Tsukuyo had been distracted by thoughts of Gintoki a good portion of the day and it was all just little remembrances at first. Like how he laughed. Something like that, so simple and small. The thoughts of him just grew and she couldn't escape them, she dared to say that she'd reached the point where she didn't want to try. It'd been a long day and now that it was over and done, she could have him any which way she wanted.

Granted, since he wouldn't be there she'd have to come up with something herself, but that was okay. She didn't usually gratify herself in this way, but he'd filled her more than usual and desire was a difficult thing to fight off. A hot bath and the night off was the perfect precursor for this, though, there was already a faint flush she could feel staining her cheeks. Yoshiwara alive and bustling outside her closed window, the familiarity of it extending a certain comfort and encouragement. It was a distant noise and only added to the fantasy she was building up since it felt like she was doing something she shouldn't.

Taking a deep breath, she moved her hand up and down over her stomach, just the fingertips and the domed edges of her nails. It created an almost ticklish feeling and the reason she did it now was because it was something Gintoki had done to her the last time they'd been together. It was another one of those simple things that really got to her. She imagined it was Gintoki's fingers again, traversing over her body as if she belonged to him and he had every right to each part of her. He never used to be that way, but more and more he'd become less hesitant about touching and taking – she didn't mind one bit.

His body was bigger than hers, it covered her and surrounded her. Breathing deep, she could almost smell his musk and it made her moan softly and bite her lip. She missed him, god help her, she missed him more than she wanted to – more even than she wanted to allow herself to. Their lives were hard to put together with Gintoki in one part of Edo and her in such a secluded place as Yoshiwara. It was how things had to be though and it wasn't like she terribly minded their separation. They both had good lives and were finding a balance between things, she just wished that balance allowed them to spend more time together.

Tsukuyo flushed and slipped a hand between her legs, her head turning away as if she were doing something wrong. She rarely did things like this, but after the day she'd had being unable to stop thinking and fantasizing about that silly man, this was unavoidable. Her fingers ran over her underwear and she blushed even more to find herself wet enough to seep through the fabric. Previously, as in, prior Gintoki, she hadn't thought she was the type of person to be so easily aroused, it was a little embarrassing to admit the profound affect he had on her while not even being physically present.

It wasn't hard to come up with a suitable fantasy, she was sure that anything could get her off if it involved Gintoki. Biting her lip, she lifted her hips and pulled her panties down, her eyes shut to picture Gintoki's face if he were watching her do it. That thought made her fingers tremble ever so slightly and a hard flush entered her cheeks. She surrendered herself to a fantasy then, a place where her fingers couldn't shake and she could do anything she wanted, even things she might not be able to bring herself to do – yet or ever – in the real world.

_Gintoki grabs her chin and tilts her head up to look at him, his red eyes always making her breath catch. He kisses her and runs a hand back to undo her hair from its confines, letting it fall around her shoulders in graceful waves. He's gentle with his kisses, the light smack of their lips turning Tsukuyo's stomach over in knots. It's reverent kisses, repeated ones, his lips soft against her mouth. _

_ "Tsukky_."

Tsukuyo moaned and curled her two middle fingers inside herself, her legs spreading wider over the bedding – she loved the way he could say her name. Her other hand cupped and squeezed her breast, her embarrassment gradually fading away in the throws of her fantasy. She didn't usually start out with her fingers, but given how wet she already was, there was no resistance or discomfiture penetrating herself.

_Hands curl on either side of Tsukuyo's hips and squeeze, his fingers long and grip strong. Her hands slide up around his shoulders, courageously feeling him out the way she wants. His body is hard against hers and she tilts her hips into his, their kiss breaking for her to gasp. He lifts her up as if she weighs nothing at all and sets her on something firm before pushing his way between her thighs. She throws her head back, she likes the feel of him between her legs so much it stilts her breath. It makes her throb with want as a pressure already starts to build from anticipation alone. _

_ She boldly moves her hands down and kisses him as she undoes his pants. Her fingers don't shake and Gintoki empowers her by leaning into her and caging her in with his arms. He kisses her more roughly then, his own hands going down to hike up her kimono and a hand possessively slides down her high. Instead of taking her underwear off, he rips it away and it makes her shudder and throb once more with want for him. Her fingers pull him out and she tilts her head to the side to skim her lips along his cheek where she can feel just the slightest scratch of stubble on his jaw._

_ "Please," she whispers wantonly against his ear. _

A sweat had broken out on Tsukuyo's brow and the room was so much warmer than before. Her heels were digging into the bedding and her toes were curling as she touched herself. She'd never been comfortable with her body before, but being with Gintoki had given her a confidence she hadn't ever had. The scar on her face now felt like a beauty mark and when Gintoki kissed it, her knees went weak each and every time. She swooned for no man, but Gintoki had found a way into the heart of her and driven the darkness away to reveal something worth caring for.

Her face was hot from her aroused flush and she brought her wet fingers out to rub her clit in circular, then diagonal motions. Her kimono was soft and warm around her, but she knew Gintoki's yukata to be just as soft and comfortable. She liked it when he sat with her and he opened up his yukata to wrap it around her when she curled up next to him. It was like being in a safe cocoon where Gintoki's scent was strong all around her and his body enveloped her own. She fit so nicely in the crook his body, right in the curve of his stomach, and her head could easily rest against his shoulder or in the seam of his neck.

Even his neck was strong and Gintoki's presence never failed to make her feel safe. No matter if they were just in a room with other people, working together on something, or spending some one on one time, Gintoki had become the epitome of safety. In many ways he wasn't safe at all, but she knew she was safe with him. That wasn't to say she thought she was in need of protecting or had to be kept safe, rather, she felt she could let her guard down. Tsukuyo knew she could show Gintoki any part of her and he'd accept her with a smile that made her heart kick up in beats per second reminding her with severity how alive she was.

_"Need to make sure you're wet enough," he murmurs back, his low voice edged in the gentlest growl. _

_ He gives her a firm kiss, then smiles as he slowly moves his way down to take a knee. He spreads her legs wider with hands on her knees and she grips his hair tight in anticipatory need. Gintoki kisses along the inside of her right thigh, feather light and teasing, and she slides her left leg over his shoulder in preparation. She startles when he lifts her up just slightly to move her a little more forward, but the sound turns into a groan as his hot mouth touches her. _

_ One hand stays in his hair while the other goes back to brace herself and allow her to press minutely back against him. He knows just how to use his tongue and teeth to create such a mix of pain and pleasure on the most sensitive part of her. Tsukuyo's head leans back and her mouth drops into an o-shape as he sucks on her clit. Both hands sink back into his hair then and her nails scratch roughly against his scalp, heedless of how deep she's scratching with the knowledge that he likes the sting. Teeth lightly scrape and her legs jerk, but Gintoki has such a hold on her that his mouth doesn't become detached._

_ She's loud now, Gintoki can always make her loud when he wants to. He can bring out so many things in her, truly. He's the one that woke her up and got her to _see_ not just world differently, but herself as well. Her voice raises as his tongue moves in just the right motions and she knows she can be as loud as she needs to be here. There's a thrill in needing to keep quiet, but there's something just as alluring and wild in letting herself go completely to Gintoki's ministrations._

She remembered a time he wasn't himself and it'd made her heart ache for him. There was more to him, more wounds, than just the many scars that littered his body, but he hid it so well that no one could guess what was behind his smile. On one such occasion that the weight he carried around with him showed, she'd laid down behind him and wrapped her arms around him. She liked spooning, like his body being larger than hers, but it was that day that she found out how good it felt to be on the other side.

Tsukuyo wasn't big enough to cover him the way he did with her, but she'd hooked a leg over his hip and gotten him to let her squeeze an arm under his head. She'd surrounded him the best she could and though he remained quiet, he'd let her stay with him, which was all she wanted. He'd relaxed against her after a time and at some point grabbed her hand to bring it to his mouth to kiss each of her fingers in turn. Gintoki had lightly taken her thumb between his teeth and the way his hand had squeezed hers... there were no words for that.

They'd stayed like that for hours, long into the night, so long that Tsukuyo had lost all feeling in the arm Gintoki was resting against. She'd gotten to wrap herself around him and innocently kiss his neck while they both dozed and stayed in companionable silence. Gintoki had been so calm, she liked to imagine that she had something to do with that window where he found some solace and peace of mind. She hadn't asked questions, Gintoki had offered no comments, but that was okay, just him allowing her to stay was enough.

"_Gintoki," she moans and pulls sharply on his hair as her toes curl so hard it hurts. _

_ She's close, so close that her thighs are twitching and shaking. Gintoki stands and Tsukuyo wraps both her legs firmly around him so that her heels are digging into the small of his back. His hands follow the outside of her thighs and she tilts her head back, baring her throat to his tender, wet kisses. Her hair is a mess, but it isn't her hand that brushes it back on one side and tucks it neatly behind her ear. Tsukuyo's insides knot again and she presses her nails into the skin of his hips, urging him forward._

_ He fits snugly between her legs and when he kisses her, she can taste herself. She'd been so put off by that the first time, but now it's a most welcome thrum of possession and turns her on as opposed to the opposite. Gintoki has taught her so many things and opened her up to a side of pleasure she never knew existed. All her life she'd never thought of herself as a sexual creature, but Gintoki makes her feel sexy. It's in the way he desires her, how he touches her, the way she catches him _looking_ at her sometimes that makes her feel like she's the very epicenter of the universe. _

_ She raises her hips and guides his cock into her with her own hands. There's enough pressure to make her breath catch, but she isn't the only one that does that. His mouth stays on hers and she groans against him, still unable to keep quiet, her nails raking down his back. He takes a firmer hold on her and thrusts his hips, creating a delicious friction and snap with just that one movement. _

_ "Tsukky."_

Tsukuyo came with gritted teeth, twitching legs, and the image of Gintoki fucking into her on her mind. It wasn't just him fucking her, it was the sounds he made, however few, and the feeling of his hands and body on hers. He was an addiction and she was an addict and never would she have thought they'd end up like this. There were so many times, especially in the beginning, that she thought it could never work out because of all the hangups they had about themselves, but somehow they'd worked something out.

Her body went slack when she was done and she rested both hands on her heaving belly. She needed to catch her breath, but it definitely wasn't as bad as when Gintoki took her. Men had problems with cumming quickly, which was true with Gintoki depending on his mood, but there was one time when Gintoki had entered her and held himself there. Both arms were braced on either side of her and she could feel some of his weight on top of her and he'd just looked at her. It was the first time he'd shown such softness during sex and when he'd kissed her then, her entire body had constricted in an orgasm that had taken them both by surprise. She'd been mortified afterward, of course, but she would never forget the way he'd looked at her.

She knew she needed to do a quick wash, but for the time being she didn't move. A lot of her fantasy had just been different things from her memory of them together and that made her smile. Gintoki was good to her – sometimes she'd argue he was _too _good to her, more than she deserved – and though he was still learning about how best to treat her, she could say that she was still learning too. It had completely terrified her when she'd realized just how in love with him she was and she still hadn't told him that, that was something she'd learned. Gintoki wasn't ready to be told something as huge as that, she'd have to be a fool not to know that after spending so much time with him, and she was comfortable waiting.

Honestly, she wasn't sure she was ready to tell him something like that, either. Regardless of that, it was true and it only seemed to get stronger. There were times it felt like it was killing her it hurt so much and she never thought love could be that way.

Sighing to herself, Tsukuyo wrapped up in her kimono and decided to lay there for awhile longer, unable to stop Gintoki from seeping into and invading her every thought. She knew it'd lull her to sleep eventually and with her being so tired it wouldn't take very long. Tsukuyo imagined Gintoki was beside her, she could so easily hear the sound of his steady breathing, and she hoped some night soon she wouldn't have to imagine it.

**The End**


End file.
